She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
