I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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