I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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