I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
