Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I intend to get homeless drunk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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