if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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