After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
