Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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