A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think I died a long time ago.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
