do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize