Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
