if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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