sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I can't turn off my feet"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
