your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
