Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I faked an abortion last night.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
