Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
