i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
