my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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