There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You dont lie about slip and slides
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
