You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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