Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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