last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
