She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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