I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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