he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
