I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
