Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
