Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
