I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize