Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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