im six kinds of drunk right now
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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