Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
