College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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