Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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