I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
