Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
