youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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