Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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