and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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