well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
