The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
how drunk are you?
Several
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
