Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
