Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
