Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
