so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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