just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
