This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
