he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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