she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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