when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
