worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
