he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
