I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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