I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
