Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize