I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
