Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
