apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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