I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish i was in the wii world.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
